Thursday, May 31, 2012

Intelligence

Or should I say a lack thereof?

I'll admit it, I've never really had much common sense. It's true. Ask Shawn. I did, however, excel academically. I graduated in the top of my (small) high school class, got a good ACT score and even ended college a summa! I had what they call the "book smarts." I say had because said smarts have since packed up and gone away. Far, far away. Probably to shack up with my common sense. 

I now officially have evidence to prove this. This evidence is three-fold.

1. Recently we took our 2003 Mazda Tribute in to have the oil changed and have the electrical issues checked out. Funky things were happening with the parking lights when you hit the breaks, the radio display was spazzing and none of the windows worked. Well, none of them worked except the driver's window. After they had a chance to evaluate the vehicle, they called to tell us the only thing they could find issue with was the battery. Oh, that and I had the parental lock on the windows.

Yes. The reason the rest of the windows weren't working was because somehow I pushed something that disabled them all except the driver's window. In my defense, we drove two, 1994 cars up until recently, and in those classic models no such "safety" feature exists. So how could I possibly have known I had engaged something if I didn't know it existed in the first place? Point – Kali.

2. I realized after a phone conversation with Maci's doctor a couple months back that I had been unnecessarily aging my daughter. Our ideas on Maci's age were conflicting and although we let it drop at the time, because it was not the reason for the phone call, I picked up the math problem on my drive home that night. I literally calculated out loud: "Okay. Maci is 42 weeks old (don't worry, I counted backwards from July), there are four weeks in a month so she is 10 and half months old. However, 52 weeks in a year minus her 42 weeks leaves 10 weeks until she turns one. But 10 weeks is two and half months. 10 and half plus two and a half equals 13 months. Wait a sec. 52 divided by four is 13 but there are only 12 months in a year so… shit. You mean to tell me there are not exactly four weeks in every month? What the hell! Where was I the day they taught elementary kids how to read a calendar?"

Ironically people have been disagreeing with me on Maci's age for months: Shawn, daycare, coworkers, family members, doctors… but I was Mom, so in my mind, I was right. In reality, I was wrong. The best part is (oh yeah, it gets better), I had been documenting her entire life with this math, with an inaccurate age. Photos, videos, emails, blog posts… all wrong. On this one, my defense is that it's completely confusing how they figure gestation when you're pregnant so there was no hope for me once Maci was born because her age continued in weeks and then people wanted to know how that figured to months and that's entirely too much math for a new mom. From now on, I'm going to say she was born July 16th and you're on your own with figuring the rest. Point – math.

3. Just last night I was emptying the contents of Maci's cloth diapers into the toilet and I tried to open the lid like a trash can. You know… I pushed on it and waited for it to spring open. It didn't. Point – modern science. Although, technically, I think it would constitute more as modern science if the toilet lid actually did open just by pushing on it. Although some probably do. Just not ours. We're ghetto.

Did you get a good laugh? I sure as hell did. I've found that you have absolutely no business laughing at other people until you've had a good laugh at yourself first. That being said, it's a little lonely here in Loserville and it's quite painful and unnerving being this flighty. Help me out here. Got anything you'd like to admit? Embarrassing, funny, mathematical or otherwise? Come on… don't make this cheese stand alone.

12 comments:

  1. You better think twice about having more kids, you lose more brain cells with every kid:) There's no hope for me these days!!! :) Love reading your blogs, Kali, you are a great writer!

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    1. You mean it gets worse? Dear God…

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  2. My brain cells may be shacking up with yours someplace! Just ask Bret...or don't! My biggest problem is my memory... where did I put that thing? who told me that? what did I come here to buy again? why did I come in this room? what day is it? did I use deodorant this morning? Seriously... I'm really not THAT old yet, but my memory is crap! P.S. I like your toilet idea, you should patent that!

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    1. I COMPLETELY understand! I'm constantly telling Shawn, "Help me remember this… " to which I think he's turned a deaf ear. I'll have to ponder the patent idea!

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  3. okay -- here goes: (fine print disclaimer: I am studying for the bar and doing it while couch surfing!)

    Last week at the GRAMPS I couldn't get the TV to work. I kept clicking and clicking the remote button. Nothing. In frustration I threw my keys down on the table. (read it...think about it...got it?)

    I used my TOMTOM to find my way "home" from Aunt Val's in Iowa -- I blithefully followed "Richard's" voice not really paying attention (running Con Law rules through my head). I saw the exit for 35 SOUTH and realized I was way off course. I checked my Tom Tom...I had entered my old OKC address. Another 10 hours and I would've noticed...I'm almost 90% positive.

    Many times over the past two weeks I have: used conditioner instead of shampoo, tried to brush my teeth with my Mary Kay...

    Last night I took time off for a baseball game (local, kids - gotta love it) and couldn't get why it was so dark -- was it about to storm? It was a very chilly evening -- then my friend asked me why I was still wearing my sunglasses. We won 8-3.

    Today was a good case in point, though...\Today I "helped" by unloading the dishwasher --- by putting the clean dishes in the fridge.



    I wore a tee shirt today inside out -- all day. NO ONE said a thing. I only realized it about an hour ago as I was getting ready for bed. At least my socks matched.

    See? Maybe it is just summas...

    I love you.

    Your crazy cousin

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    1. HAHA! That was great. At least you have an excuse. You are using your brain for other, more serious and strenuous purposes. I, however, am merely trying to function on a day-to-day basis. Scary…

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  4. Well, I hate to tell you this Kali...Lexi's 4, it doesn't get any better. I used to be so good about birthday cards for birthdays, remembering special events, etc etc, the list goes on and ON! My brain is now applesauce...the unsweetened kind at that!

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    1. Hmmm… the outlook is not good. Must buy more Post-it notes…

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  5. Oh Kali thats been going on for years with me. Don is the one who can figure things like that. But he missplaces things all the time but guess who gets the bame for moving them. As for funny things I've done I'd have to think a long time for that cause my brain has been on hold for a long time.

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    1. HAHA! That's one of the worst parts! Shawn could totally blame me for losing, forgetting or misplacing something and even if it was a false accusation, I would have no defense except my flighty brain.

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  6. I feel like I"m in such a daze lately, I completely forgot you even had a blog. I actually forgot there were other people in the world besides my wife and two kids.

    Anyway, about the age thing, Kelli and I used to argue about this too. I think we were both right, but it was more of a preference. When we organized photos on the computer I wanted to title folders "Charly: Month 1" and Kelli wanted to title folders "Charly: 1 Month". Think about that for a second . . . cuz they're not the same thing! It was confusing for a while but we got it figured out.

    We also forgot how to use a camera now that Hayes has come along. Poor kid is getting about half of the photo ops Charly had at his age.

    I think during Charly's first summer we came up and hung out at Como Park . . . we should do that with Hayes too!

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    1. I'm willing to bet you haven't forgotten how awesome the Twins are doing now. HA!

      I'm SO happy I'm not alone on the months-as-age thing. This was a serious stress for a while.

      Poor, poor, poor second child. As you know, I'm a second child. That comparison scares you I'm sure.

      Como is lovely… and they have a KILLER new pool that I'm dying to try out! It has a splash pool for the wee ones that includes some wee slides, a big pool for the grownups, a mini lazy river, some diving boards and platforms AND a zip line. We frequent Como a LOT lately, especially now that running is back in full swing.

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