Sunday, April 1, 2012

Grandpa Miller

It will be two years this week since my Dad took his life. I still don't know how to put what I feel into words. It's indescribable. It's ironic actually. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him but when I try and articulate my thoughts into something… what I come up with doesn't do my feelings justice. There's an ache and a hole and a sadness like no daughter should have to feel but it's there all the same. So much of who I am, what I know and how I do things is because I learned it from my Dad. That's what he is. My Dad. Shawn's larger-then-life father-in-law. Maci's Grandpa. Maci will never get to meet him but had she, she would've hated his beard but loved the squeaky noise he could make with his cheek. She might've turned up her nose at some things he offered her to eat but I bet she would've got some ice cream out of him. She would've definitely made him nervous when she cried but ultimately melted his heart when she smiled. I know he watches and I know he's in a better place and I wish him nothing but continued peace… I just wish he could've found that peace while he was here because dammit, I miss him. He was definitely not good at some things but he was great at others and above all, to me, he was a pretty stinkin' fantastic Dad. And he had the best taste in music…

"He says son can you play me a memory, I'm not really sure how it goes… But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger man's clothes"


 


10 comments:

  1. Thanks for the little cry that just occurred after reading your blog. I love you and your dad would be so proud of who you are today and how awesome of a mom you are. Your dad was a great man...who had some anal habits, and passed them down to you..miss OCD!! I can't wait until the day that we can tell Maci all of the stories about her grandpa, and how truly amazing he was! I know this week will be very difficult for you but think of all the great times you had with him, and focus on creating those same times with Maci and Shawn. LOVE YOU BFF!!

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    1. Oh my mound-sportin', asspergrass eatin', qaurter-on-the-toilet-leavin', beaner BFF. I love you and he loved you too. Two OCD thumbs way up!

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  2. OH I can't handle it Kali. I cry but you make me keep reading. Damn you. Maci has a bearded angel. Love you. Laura

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    1. Trust me, a pretty picture I was not while writing this (to which Shawn can attest). "…bearded angel." LOVE it and will use it from now on.

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  3. What I miss about Mark Miller....the smile, I loved to make him grin. He and I both knew I was full of BS but he seemed to like it about me. I miss talking to him about hunting and hearing him go on and on with so much passion about his favorite hobby. I miss hearing him talk about his work--I don't think I've ever heard someone talk with so much pride in his work---I envy that work ethic and hope to teach it to his granddaughter some day. I miss playing 500 with him--what I wouldn't give to be able to give him a high five like when we'd get our bid and win a hand together. We were unstoppable and I'm not exaggerating. I miss giving him a hug. It might have been awkward at first (keep in mind I was like 15 and just started dating his daugher) when I first knew him but he got pretty damn good at it and I never left seeing hime without getting one. I miss seeing him sleep on the couch in the living room and taking one of his power naps. It always just felt right for some reason. I miss watching him interact with Ty. He took so much pride in everything his son did and he was truly beaming when he got the chance to talk about him. You coudn't find a prouder father. . I miss him making me feel completely worthless mechanically, and allowing me to watch in awe while he figured something out. I miss being able to call him whenever anything regarding the house or our cars came up. I miss being able to tell him about things I'd accomplished so he would take more pride in the person who married his daughter. I miss seeing him in his hunting shirts and his flannel and wearing that wicked beard. I miss showing up late to church with him almost everytime we went. I miss watchig Kali talking to her dad and seeing her face light up when she could tell he was interested and proud of what she was doing. I hate that she can't talk to her dad about the things she's done. I am so proud of her and I know he is as well and is nodding with approval from somewhere up above or off in a far off woods. I always pictured Mark holding our little ones and beaming with pride but that'll have to wait but when that time comes I can't wait to be there with Kali first hand at that fantastic moment. I can just picture the sparkle in his eye. I (we) miss you more than you will ever know. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about you. Thank you for the years you gave us I know I am a better person from knowing you. So, in closing, I'll end this post with the most powerful words you ever said to me and you didn't say them until after a few hours drive and a visit to your hunting spot. I will never forget that little journey and how important it was for you to share your words of wisdom to me. With that said, in the words of Mr. Mark Miller, "Sounds good".

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    1. Well, mister… I got nothing. Thank you for promoting Kleenexes.

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  4. Kali, Shawn & Maci,
    Your Dad, Father-in-Law & Grandpa was a wonderful man. I'll never forget the hours we spent talking when he picked you girls up at my house when he got done with work. How he would always give me crap about being "OLD". He was a BSer, deep thinker, and loved his kids more than anything. He would have adored watching Maci grow up, you'll never know exactly "why", but you do know that you will see him again, and he'll be smiling that devilish grin!!! Thinking of you all and sending my love your way...Sue

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    1. Some of my greatest memories involve the shenanigans we'd try to get you two to continue talking so we could continue doing our thing. Our success rate was pretty astronomical so it's pretty fair to say he enjoyed the talks and time spent at your house as much as we did. Our it could've been the deer sticks… 

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  5. Well, Kali - I had the pleasure of being your Dad's favorite sister:)
    In High School I got to ride with him while doing donuts on the ice under the pretense of showing me how the car handles under those conditions. I went motorcycle ditch riding with him. And I busted the clutch handle on his motorcycle and he didn't even get mad at me! I don't think he even made me pay for it. He even bought me a pair of motorcycle knee socks....they had a picture of a motorcycle on them....yeh, I was cool - haha! When I got my first job in Waverly and couldn't afford a car payment yet he let me use his car to get to work.
    I remember his zuma pants. I admired him for wearing what he wanted.
    I got to go to Colorado skiing with him, Tammy and another couple. And also with him and Tod & Sandi. Great times!

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    1. I LOVE hearing memories about Dad – especially ones before I existed and from someone so close to him. It's those stories that need to continue to be told…

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