I have one resolution for 2012. I'm quite certain it's the most unoriginal a person can have but here it is none the less. My 2012 resolution is: find balance (or some semblance of it at least). Balance between work and play, laziness and exercising, spending money and saving pennies, putting things away and living among the chaos, chocolate and vegetables, beer and wine, you know, the essentials. Ironically, this new goal is what has kept me from blogging for a while. I've been too busy trying to live my daily life to take any time to record it.
I heard a great quote the other day that sums up my new mentality: Live in the moment, not the memory. Instead of trying to get the greatest photo of Maci so I can blog about it later, putting the camera away and just being present in her presence. Instead of having the perfect meal out with Shawn, being okay with driving around lost for an hour only to arrive at the destination and realize there's an hour wait. Instead of offering to correct a mistake at work so as to ensure perfection, accepting something as "good enough" so I can get home to see my family. Instead of waiting until I've returned to my pre-pregnancy weight so I can fit back into my old clothes, buying new clothes to fit my new physique and even greater still, being okay with it because damn it, I sure do feel much better about myself when I wear clothes that actually fit.
That last example, about money, is probably the hardest with which to find balance. Shawn and I, for better or for worse, are planners. Painfully so. And it isn't any more apparent then in our quest for a new TV. Initially, I was just going to buy one, bring it home and surprise Shawn for his birthday. The more I thought about it though, the more I feared getting the "wrong" one and spending such a big chunk of our money without getting his opinion. Inevitably, I caved and told him about my plans. After some mild persuading, he agreed to the purchase and we returned to researching the latest, greatest, fancy models but have yet to actually buy a TV. His birthday was December 19th. We're stuck between 2D and 3D. (I'll let you take a guess at who wants what.) I struggle with wanting to save money and be "safe" or just splurging and living life and rewarding ourselves with things we like, ie a TV. My Dad made it through some very, very tough financial times with hard work and a lot of budgeting to end up debt free by the time he was 50. He took his life a month before he would've turned 51. It's a blunt, painful example but it's also just that, an example. As I've heard so many times from so many people, you can't take your money with you when you go so you might as well enjoy yourself while you're here. We're too level-headed to take that to the extreme but it's a good theory to at least dabble in once in a while. Keep it in your back pocket for the day you finally allow yourself that trip to [ENTER DESTINATION HERE] while your husband's off to Canada, fishing, for the third year in a row.
Whether to save money for the "what ifs" or spend it on the "why nots" is only a drop in the bucket. I struggle to find balance on an hourly basis. Do I clean up the house or watch a movie with Shawn? Do I try and entertain Maci or help her learn to exist in her own space? Do I eat a donut or choke down an apple? Do I go to yoga or take a nap? Do we work on the house or go on vacation? Should I be proud of my cynicism or work on being positive? And the thing that trumps all other things when it comes to trying to find balance: how does one be a mother, a wife, an employee, a woman and an individual, all at the same time and all without getting completely sucked into the vortex of one or two of the above. Unfortunately, as with all wonders of the universe, I fear there is no right answer. As someone of the type A persuasion, this is hard to swallow. I fear open-endedness. Pretty sure that's not a word but maybe with the hyphen I can get away with it? Enquiring minds want to know: How does one achieve balance? I'm actually asking you dammit!