Monday, April 25, 2011


The dates don't match up on the calendar but the memory still holds as firm in my mind as the grief in my heart. Last Easter, on Easter, I had to say goodbye to Dad. So, this Easter, pardon me for not leaping at the chance to celebrate and rejoice and praise everything above. Ironically, Dad would be pretty pissed at me for not doing so. Not going to church, not seeing family and not celebrating. But I can't help it. I'm still mad, I'm still sad and I'm being selfish by being in denial and taking the easy way out: pure avoidance. If I don't acknowledge the holiday and the events of last year, it never happened right?

Except it did. I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. And I guess if it never happened, other things might not have happened. Good things. Cletus things. Who knows what this year might have looked like. Last year I saw the man that helped create me for the last time and this year I'm going on seven months with my own creation. It's an odd perspective but it shows that life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. And there will still be shitty days but there will also be great days. It's the valleys that make the peaks so worth it but it's the peaks that make the valleys so damn hard. I can't assume things will ever level off because that's not just life. That's not reality. So while I might ignore celebrating Easter in ways we have in the past, I do acknowledge the God I believe in and have faith that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know the reason yet.

This year, our little family of four and a half spent the weekend together getting things done. We didn't go to church, we didn't even talk to family and we didn't celebrate with chocolate, bunnies or even Cadberry eggs. We kept to ourselves and I, specifically, chose to ignore the holiday. I didn't chose to ignore my memories though. Dad crept into my head several times as did the urge to call Ty and Tammy (who I miss and haven't seen in what feels like forever), Mom (who is so close I should've drove to visit) and Mandi and the family (because she seems to keep the faith alive the most). See people, I do have feelings. I just haven't been able to sort them out into anything logical by the deadline of Easter so you'll have to forgive me and just appreciate my honesty. Or, blame the pregnancy hormones, whatever suits you.

We shall see what next Easter brings… I have faith and hope things will work themselves out. Because the God I believe in wouldn't have it any other way.


  1. We had a quaint little ham dinner here. There was a point at the end, when I was till eating like the bottomless pit Dad always thought I was, sitting alone. I looked over at Andy's empty chair and imagined Dad still sitting there with me. Just know there truly was a peace that overcame the room at the point I'm sure he passed and I'm certain it's when Jesus took him by the hand and walked along side him. I can't explain it any other way. AND there will be hope, knowledge, and lives saved from it.....the how and when will became apparent when we're ready. (more like when HE's ready)

  2. The thing about Grief is that is unique. There is no "one size fits most" -- there's just you and grief. Even it happened to other people who are close to you, its still just you...and Grief.

    The world moved on although you didn't eat cadbury eggs or peeps. And Cletus grew and continued to kick the day lights out you.

    Because you are right...even in grief life continues. Perhaps that is God's gift to us -- hope, although fleeting at times, still exists.

    I love you.

  3. You explained your grief process to whoever is listening-reading-and you know you really don't have to. It's yours and yours alone whatever form it takes. God has gifted you with all the strength to endure suffering you need. Use your best resource and live each day the best way you can-you're doing great so far!! This season was difficult for lots of people in various ways and God gave us all His Son to see us through!

  4. Kali - All of your feelings and actions are totally understandable. For me, I lost it on the actual anniversary and time that he left us. It hit my like a ton of bricks! On Easter, I was too lost in missing Kasi. But I'm guessing that next Easter, you'll be doing the Easter bunny thing and I know your Dad will be watching with joy!
    Love you!



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