The dates don't match up on the calendar but the memory still holds as firm in my mind as the grief in my heart. Last Easter, on Easter, I had to say goodbye to Dad. So, this Easter, pardon me for not leaping at the chance to celebrate and rejoice and praise everything above. Ironically, Dad would be pretty pissed at me for not doing so. Not going to church, not seeing family and not celebrating. But I can't help it. I'm still mad, I'm still sad and I'm being selfish by being in denial and taking the easy way out: pure avoidance. If I don't acknowledge the holiday and the events of last year, it never happened right?
Except it did. I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. And I guess if it never happened, other things might not have happened. Good things. Cletus things. Who knows what this year might have looked like. Last year I saw the man that helped create me for the last time and this year I'm going on seven months with my own creation. It's an odd perspective but it shows that life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. And there will still be shitty days but there will also be great days. It's the valleys that make the peaks so worth it but it's the peaks that make the valleys so damn hard. I can't assume things will ever level off because that's not just life. That's not reality. So while I might ignore celebrating Easter in ways we have in the past, I do acknowledge the God I believe in and have faith that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know the reason yet.
This year, our little family of four and a half spent the weekend together getting things done. We didn't go to church, we didn't even talk to family and we didn't celebrate with chocolate, bunnies or even Cadberry eggs. We kept to ourselves and I, specifically, chose to ignore the holiday. I didn't chose to ignore my memories though. Dad crept into my head several times as did the urge to call Ty and Tammy (who I miss and haven't seen in what feels like forever), Mom (who is so close I should've drove to visit) and Mandi and the family (because she seems to keep the faith alive the most). See people, I do have feelings. I just haven't been able to sort them out into anything logical by the deadline of Easter so you'll have to forgive me and just appreciate my honesty. Or, blame the pregnancy hormones, whatever suits you.
We shall see what next Easter brings… I have faith and hope things will work themselves out. Because the God I believe in wouldn't have it any other way.