This morning as I pulled the Camry out of the garage, the temperature gauge on the dashboard read -9º. Neg-a-tive nine degrees. Seriously. Here's when I plead my case for the life of the bear. The following are reasons I'd prefer to skip winter, stay inside my plastic-covered windows and just hunker down 'til it all thaws.
1. The hair in my nose freezes the minute I step outside, I lose the capacity to move my mouth and my coat makes that funny crinkling noise.
2. Breathing in causes a coughing attack.
3. The playing field is leveled between young and old when it comes to the possibility of falling down and not being able to get back up.
4. I have a north-facing house and therefore will have two packed paths of ice and snow covering my driveway until summer.
5. I have to cover everything but the whites of my eyes in order to take Norman for a walk.
6. During that walk I have to stop intermittently to warm up and rub off Norman's paws so he'll put them back down and continue walking.
7. The said walk results in Norman sitting in front of the heater for an hour sucking up what precious warmth might be coming out.
8. There is no place to put my garbage and recycling containers at the end of the driveway therefore increasing the chances I'll back into something else this winter.
9. My appendages tingle for an hour when I come back inside.
10. I don't have a garage-door-opener or a remote-start for either car.
11. It's too cold to run outside therefore I don't exercise therefore I need to buy new pants that I can't afford.
12. Shawn takes a shower just to stand in the hot water. Literally money down the drain.
13. It's too cold to get out of bed in the morning so it's physically painful to get up and go to work.
14. I can't go outside with a wet head so I'm forced to do something with my mane.
15. The Camry, not the Beretta, took two tries to start tonight.
16. I have to wipe off Norman's feet and belly every time he thinks he needs to go to the bathroom.
17. The low air pressure light on the Camry's dashboard won't turn off because it can't live with the tires being near 30.
18. We don't have a snow blower. I heart shoveling.
19. We have to put salt on our sidewalk or the mailman stops delivering mail and starts leaving warnings.
20. You know the expression… cuttin' glass?
What my neighbors patio door looks like after the weather this week.