It seems everyone is having babies. Every where I look there is a baby bump or belly. It's baby fever! I know I've surpassed the dating phase. Everyone has already gotten married. I realize I'm now at the age where everyone around me is either trying to get pregnant, due any day, bringing home a newborn, learning their baby's routines or dealing with a toddler. I get it and I'm very truly happy for each and every one. That's the honest-to-God truth. Really.
But, I'm also sad.
When the day comes for Shawn and I to have a baby, it will be bittersweet. It will be amazing, exciting and life-changing. It will be stressful, chaotic and sleep-depriving. It will be a wonderful bonding experience for us, our friends and our family. But, someone will be missing. My heart literally aches every time I reflect on the fact that Dad won't get to meet my kids. Or in the same token, my kids won't get to meet my Dad, their Grandpa Miller. There are no words to surround that void.
This has been one of my biggest struggles for me when mourning the loss of my Dad. Aside from the mere and simple fact that I just miss him.
I can't get into it more because I'll fall apart. It's just what's been on my mind. No, I'm not pregnant (I KNOW some of you were thinking it!) but everyone else either is, was, or is trying to be so it projects my mind to the distant future. I know Dad will be watching from up in heaven and he'll have good seats for when it happens, but selfishly, it's not good enough for me. It's not good enough for my future kids. So today? Today I'm wallowing… and probably emotionally eating.
Dad was and still would be very proud of the choices you have made! DO NOT forget that. Everyone does things differently and although he won't be here to see your children with us take comfort in your own realization, that he will see it all from above. Love you!
ReplyDeleteIn an odd way he'll actually see our kids everyday from the best seats in the house as opposed to once every 3 months. It's a tragic, gut wrenching situation with no release. I miss him too and wish he could enjoy that wonderful part of our life but I will think of him always and speak of him fondly to our kids someday so that they know all the wonderful things there grandpa represented and how he shaped our lives into the parents we will one day be. I love you and look forward to our future.
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ReplyDeleteI found two quotes that for one reason or another I found appropriate for this post but they also seem to make sense to me in some sort of way that relates to Mark, and the void we are left.
ReplyDeleteGod's finger touched him, and he slept. - Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. - From a headstone in Ireland